iPhone 4 And Other Tales

Oh, it's so pretty. I love it. That's currently more or less how I set it out. The first day it was available to new customers I was in the store buying it. I didn't want to wait any longer. So I have had a little less money this month, but it was worth it.

That other dude asked for another date, but, it didn't work. Couple of guys are like circling but I am a little withdrawn. Work is boring, my head hurts a lot.

My sister lost her unborn child yesterday, 37 weeks and her heart stopped beating. I'm pretty lost, so I feel so sorry for my sister. I wish there was more I could do. She knows where I am though.

Short Chapter: Closed

Hmm, things with that guy only lasted about a week. We had a second date, just went round and watched some TV in the evening. Some more kissing happened. I had a monster headache so we were going to go bowling on the Saturday instead. But he forgot he was meant to be going to Brighton.

Instead I went and saw Toy Story 3 with family again, such a good film. It ended up a nice weekend where I spent a considerable amount of time with my family. It's not so bad when I know I have my own place to go back to. Little doses is fineeee.

Anyhow, been talking to that guy all week and I was just getting a different vibe off him, I finally asked him yesterday what the deal was. He's not ready for a relationship right now. Oh, I do pick them. I told him we were adults and he could of told me earlier. I'm just not into games and that's where it looked like things were going. Ah well, what's done is done. At least I didn't do anything I might be regretting right now.

I'm in two minds about whether I should join the site again, I mean, this has kind of shown me I can't be bothered with the stresses and strains of a relationship, but I'm so lonely. I might wait until I've successfully saved for my iPhone, hehe. I spend too much money in relationships in my opinion.

Any other man I like is inaccessible for one reason or another.

I had a good time with my housemates on Saturday night. We played a couple of games on the 360, was a good laugh. And then we watched the Boy in Striped Pyjamas, very good film Watched it before anyhow, but it's hard to get those two to agree on a film. They have different tastes, but I share both of their tastes. He fell asleep about 10, 20minutes in, and woke up about 10minutes before the end. He thought it was a good film too. hmm.

Been off work yesterday and today, my head just doesn't seem to want to give me a break and it's pretty annoying. Not heard anything more about the lumbar puncture or sleep clinic stuff, so I guess it's a case of watching this space.

The Clawwwww

I went and saw Toy Story 3 last night :D First date with this new guy. Went to pick him up and on about the second corner I almost crashed because some idiot pulled out in front of me, cleverrrr. The film was pretty good, I laughed and teared up. Enjoyable movie. We held hands for part of the movie, I was so nervous about moving mine over. *blushes*

Went back to his town and took a Chinese back to his friends apartment that he is looking after. He kissed me while he was handing my food. He is very good at that. The kissing, I mean. He didn't make the food! Then we cuddled on the sofa a bit and did some more kissing. I went home about about 10:30pm, I was sooo tired, didn't fall asleep till almost midnight though.

It was a good night, Can't wait for our next date ^_^

You Might Want To Sing It Note For Note

I'm back home, that felt like a pretty long two weeks. Spent time with my younger sister, watching movies, playing the xbox. Driving her to a couple of places she needed to go. It wasn't too bad, she just gets on my nerves super fast and it's hard to get alone time there for some reason. My parents got back from their holiday yesterday so I just went back to mine. Was fun taking everything out of the car again.

I've pretty much unpacked, which is quick for me. I need to sort out my camera and the bag for Saturday for my date with this guy :) I was quite surprised I was only on the dating site for two weeks, I already feel kind of with him, but that's probably a bit too soon. He's ever so sweet. He text me just to tell me he was smitten with me when he managed to get some signal. The place he's been isn't so good for signal. I'm really excited for Saturday, I just hope all goes well.

It's Confirmed: I Have A Brain!

So, yesterday I had my 6 months follow up with my neurologist. Saw my MRI, there is definitely a brain in my skull. It all looks normal, so nothing to worry about there. However, she was worried that the pills had not been working and as they make me lethargic she is reducing the dose and subbing in another pill. So I have to go back onto them. She's not entirely sure they are migraines anymore.

I have to go and get checked for sleep apnoea, which I doubt I have. Also I have to have a lumbar puncture to check the level of pressure in my brain fluid. Joy. I'm not really looking forward to all of that, I think I've gone a bit quiet.

I should of stayed in bed today. This headache kills.

It's Not Your Fault, But Mine

I'm still staying at my parents at the moment, it's kind of annoying. My sister is being really annoying, once she's said her piece, I'm suddenly arguing if I talk back. So I'm not allowed to actually make my argument, or I am arguing. It's so much fun, makes me want to smack her in the face :D I can't wait to go home now, but at the same time I am dreading it. I'm wondering how hard it'll be.

Things are going well with this new bloke, only known him a week and it seems like a future is on the cards. He doesn't seem to shy away from the though of commitment, and knows anything sexual will be a no no for a short while, and is STILL talking to me. I'm pretty happy talking to him, he's made me happy.

I still really need a new job, this one is totally getting to me. My headaches kill, I'm losing motivation for exercise and I would like a few days off even though I had a week off the week before last. Funfun.

60 Men In A Week, Eh?

I had my week off last week and I got pretty bored, and what with things going pear shaped with that guy I started to feel pretty lonely. He was a friend and he comforted me, and because we were so close I didn't feel lonely all the time even though I was single. But now I need to put in some space between us, so I'm left feeling like I'm hanging out on the ledge a little bit. All of my own choice, though.

Anyway, so I joined a dating website and made my profile, etc, etc. I have had over 60 men message me since I made it. I thought I might get about 10 message me if I was lucky. I have really hit it off with this one guy, we slip in and out of sexual conversation with ease, so it doesn't seem all pervy. We've talked about a whole bunch of things and seem to get on well. He also loves cats. Winner. Straight off :D

I also said I'd beat him at Forza, so we have a bet on with that now. I will win! He asked to meet me once he comes back from his holiday. I'm so excited, I want to meet him sooner but I am at my parents. He's so cute looking. I feel as comfortable as you can feel just knowing someone online. I absolutely have missed the feelings of falling for someone, but I'm watching myself in case I get hurt.

It's my dads 50th today! :D

Dimitri the Meerkat

I’ve enjoyed my week off. Had a nice relaxing week. Got my MOT and service done on Monday, which ended up a little cheaper than I first thought. Had a day of nothing on Tuesday. On Wednesday I went into town with my younger sister and I bought my Dad a card and a soft toy, a meerkat! He had an operation on his hand, and it seems quite customary to get a small toy in our family. I’ve never had one, and I’ve never given one, so I thought I would this time. I also got him his birthday present, and bought myself a couple of DVDs, The Hurt Locker, 500 Days of Summer and Kill Bill: Volume I & II. Had a good day in town. Went back to my parents to see my dad and I had a birthday present there from my step grandparents, and a couple more cards.

Went into town again yesterday to see if I could spend a gift card, could not find anything that i liked in store, at all. Heh, not sure what I’m going to do with that gift card!

Everything finally fell apart with the man I love, I guess it was inevitable, and it took a long fucking time. But I’m pretty much broken again. I had hope I shouldn’t have and I thought the waiting might finally be over, but it’s not. What we did is done and I can’t change that. And I’ll never have any of him again. I have to realise this all over again. I thought I would never have to. His loyalties unfortunately lie with her. I can’t ask anything of him. But I’m not even sure I can remain close friends with him. I want too much. The stuff he can never give me. Such is life. I compromised my morals for him, I compromised who I am. I have a feeling it’s for more than the short term. It seems to have changed where I see lines to be. I am again, on the line I possibly shouldn’t be. Am I attracted to the excitement now? When I care for someone, a lot less seems to stop me than it used to. I want what I want, and sometimes I don’t care who I might hurt. Time will tell what happens with this one.

I Think I May Have Run Out Of Words

I got really tired of walking in circles, talking in circles and taking those people round and round with me. I just can’t see them being anything but bored of me. My problems are my own and they are ones I made for myself. Only I can get myself out of this rut and I plan on doing that, I really do. I’m not sure how. I’m going to get there some day. :)

This week was my birthday and I got to go and see Shrek Forever After with my family. I loved it so much. I adore the Shrek films. My best friend and my older sister forgot my birthday. My younger sister got me a present and my parents took me out. Those that matter remembered, maybe I need to think twice about those who don’t think about me. I don’t know, I need to let things settle before I try doing anything rash.

I’m still in the same old boring job and I really want out. It’s tough, but my new colleague is lovely, she brightens my day. It means my smile is less than plastered on. I love simple humour, and we know when each other is completely joking. I love it. It has relaxed the overall mood of the office.

I have been on some drugs for about 6months now, I was warned not to gain any weight. These drugs were meant to improve my headaches. They haven’t. I put on weight on them and asked my doctor about it. He said I could just come off, and instead of gaining weight I seem to be losing a small amount and have reduced my body fat percentage slightly. Let’s hope it still carries on going that way!

I have another neurologist appointment in about two weeks, we’ll see what’s said then.

Ten Years Later, The Diagnosis Is Migraine.

Again.

When I was 11 I had a lot of trouble with headaches so my mother took me to the GP, he said it sounded like migraines and he would refer me onto my paediatrcian just to be sure. Went onto him and he confirmed that I was suffering from migraines and that I should keep a food diary to figure out the trigger. Somewhere along the line I was prescribed preventatives, and was moved from the sunny side of the classroom. Never did keep that food diary correctly.

I then went to a locombe doctor to get my preventatives to go on holiday one time. I knew light and heat were at least one trigger, and she decided it wasn't migraines at all and refused to give me the prescription.

I've continued to suffer from headaches, always. Then last summer I had a horrible headache, intense pain for almost 10days running, and I'm not one to usually take pain killers, but I really had to. They didn't work. So I visited the doctor and after a month or so I got a neurologist referral. In between last summer and the neuro I had a lot of painkillers, and nothing really worked. I was diagnosed with migraines at the neurologist appointment. That means every day of the week I have a migraine. SO much fun. Not.

It's gonna take over 6months of taking preventatives to even get it back to the normal amount of migraine. I have to have a CT scan, and be tested for asthma again. Also been told I need to lose a little weight. Oh, joy. I am lethargic from my medical condition on just a normal days work!

Eternal Life

Last week I was spontaneous and just went and got a tatoo on my lunch break. It's something I've been wanting since I went to Egypt four or five years ago so a lot of prior thought had in fact gone into it. I like the symbolism of it. I had a dream on the weekend that for some reason my dad was going to pay for myself and my two sisters to get a tattoo each and my choice came down to my Celtic cross or an ankh. I've wanted both for a while and one would end up on my wrist and the other on the back of my neck. In my dream I went for the ankh on my wrist and that's what really kind of made the decision for me.

During work I then found a nice simple ankh, I don't really want to spoil it with detail and adjusted it to about the size I wanted it. On my lunch break I went round to the tattoo parlour asked for a price and estimated amount of time, £30 (minimum charge) and 15minutes. Asked if he was available to do it right then and he was. They had a power cut and had to rebook all the appointments for the day as they weren't sure how long they'd be without the power. 15minutes later I walk out all bandaged up and quite proud with myself that I had gone ahead and done that.

Today half the scabs are still there and half are gone. It is a tiny bit out of symmetry, but I'm not sure anyone else would really figure that out. The picture below was taken the day after.

Consumed With What's To Transpire

I've been pretty quiet lately, and that accounts for all areas of my life. I've not been online and I've not really been talking to many people. I just feel very private lately, that's probably a result of what's been happening. Nothing is really steady, but nothing is really going anywhere. I'm always here and there with anyone that's close to me. Mostly with one person. But I can't ask for anymore than I have, I already shouldn't have done what's been done. Though I don't regret it. It felt right, it was wonderful and it took almost 7 and a half years to get there. That's a pretty big build up to something, no?

He is staying with her though and I fully understand that's where his obligations need to lie. He's invested a good chunk of his life in her and they actually made it so far to be together. I hold no claims over him simply because I have loved him since I was 14. It doesn't stop me feeling like I should have though. Part of me feels I should be number one and she shouldn't matter. It's not the case. It won't be the case. She means a lot to him or they would have never got engaged. I have to accept that and I have. Not what I want though. I got more from him lately, and he decided that it has to stop. He made the move to say it. I know it has to, but I still don't really want it to. I don't want him doing anything he may regret though. I don't want to be simply a regret, a mistake. I would love to repeat what happened, again. He knows that, and he feels the same, but we can't. Simply can't. It's not fair. On anyone.

I could have done it again last night. In a heartbeat.

I'm A Little Bit Lost Without You, And A Bloody Big Mess Inside

I am still in a complete mess, and I'm getting to the point that I don't care about sorting it out. I have no energy to change it. There was this guy that I really liked, and I've kind of cut him out. In fact, I've pretty much cut everyone out. I just feel like I haven't the energy to be talking to people. I don't want to be on the computer much, either. Seeing as that's where I mostly talk to people, a lot of my communication has been cut out. Instead I sit watching films or TV, or just relaxing.

Nothing of much importance has really happened to me, but the things with my housemate still aren't disappearing. We may as well be having full sex, but for some reason there is this invisible boundary that means we haven't gone past things that imitate sex. There's some pleasure involved in various ways, but nothing that you'd usually go directly to. The only thing we do is kiss. And oh my, I wish I could kiss him every day. I keep hugging him every day just because I like to hold him. I love the feeling I have when I am in his arms. I feel so warm, so wanted, so loved. And as soon as we pull apart I feel alone again. I long to be with him, to be his. To call him my own. Every time I am in his arms all that runs through my head is that I love him. I want to tell him but I feel like I have no rights to tell him that I love him. I can't take the words as thoughts and utter them as audible words. I still fear hearing silence, or something equally as cutting.

I came out of the shower last night and waited for the dinner I had ordered and watched him playing his console. Then we ate when the food came and he browsed the internet for a while. He came over to the couch for one reason or another and we just sat there hugging. He pulled me onto his lap and I felt so secure, so happy. He was running his hands over my back, a couple of times he hit spots that are ticklish so I giggled. It moved onto moving our bodies into one another, after he started kissing my neck. Things got a little heated to say the least, but we still didn't have sex. We kissed a fair bit, but that was it. We both got a lot of pleasure out of kissing and being intimate. Yet had no actual finish or anything of the sort. I don't know, that seems to be the invisible boundary that is unsaid but in place. Even though I know he's cheating on his fiancee, and he knows he's cheating on her. It doesn't get talked about. I wish I had the balls to ask him to leave her. I wish I had the courage for us to give it a proper go. It's what I want more than anything in this world right now. But it looks like it won't ever happen. I lay on the couch with him on top of me and just ran my hands all over his back, down his sides, over his shoulders, to try and implant the memory of him in my head. I just wanted to remember how he feels, how he smells, how I felt in that moment. This morning my hands still smelled of his skin. I was taken back to being that happy, if for a brief moment.

It looks like he has too much on his current relationship or won't end it for whatever reason. Whether that's because it's normal, on the dependency, or the fact they are more of a unit than two separate people now. He seems unhappy and sometimes he says he's unhappy, he's told me he no longer wants to keep fighting. But that's what he's doing. I wish he was fighting and putting that much effort into him and I. I am so incredibly jealous of her and what she has. Sometimes I wish she was completely off the scene. Maybe we would be together by now, who knows. We seem to do everything backwards. I do not have the energy to change what is going on with us at the moment. I know I need to stop it, but I don't want to in all honesty. I want to get everything I can of him while I can, I want to take the opportunity to the fullest level I can. It sounds selfish, but all that is running through my head is that I may never get this chance again. This may well be all I ever get to have of him, to be with him. After 7years, who would not take this chance? Not many people would fully turn down something that they have craved for so long. I know I'm wrong to do this. I'm almost set on the idea of not changing it while he seeks it. And then when I move out that will be it. I can cut ties then. That will be when I get over whatever was left of us.

I hope that day never comes. I hope I never have to say goodbye.

...I'm a little bit lost without you, but this ain't a love song, this is goodbye.

“Daddy! The Flowers Are Droopy!”

My life is rather uneventful, I’d say. I needed to get away from everything this weekend, this house, the people in it, my friends, and the computer! So I asked a friend if I could escape to his again this weekend, and he said that was ok. That’s the main event of the week I guess.

I took last Thursday off work because I had a monster of a headache, which started on Wednesday night. I woke up feeling like my head was going to explode so I text my boss and said I was having difficulty, felt light headed and dizzy too. I phoned the doctor to ask for a change of painkillers, and he said he’d leave a prescription at the front desk for me. I went up on my lunch and noticed I had been prescribed a drug which I have said three times not only doesn’t help my headaches, it in fact makes them worse. So I left it there to get changed after a few “wise words” from the receptionist. She asked if I had tried co-codamol for them. Of course I have you bint, not even opioids are working, not sure where she got her medical training from, and that was followed by “I’m not sure what else the Doctor could prescribe you”. Well, duh. But I can assure you, lady, that there’s far more than 4 painkillers available. You’d think someone would know that working in a surgery. I went back after work and got a new painkiller, and a preventative to switch to, if my current ones continue to fail. Took a painkiller Friday evening and it got rid of that headache. I’m just left with the head pain I always have. :(

Friday night I went to my friends, and he has the cutest kid ever. As soon as he came in he noticed that the flowers had died, (bought the previous weekend) and pointed it out to me. And then ran out to his dad to tell him. So it was concluded that they’d get some more. Spent the night talking and playing with the kid and went to bed about midnight or so. Woke up earlyish for me and then we went and had a McDonalds breakfast, and took his kid through the car wash for the first time. I’m now a little climbing frame and he’ll play with me and stuff. He wasn’t so sure of me the first time I met him. Went round town and just bought the kid some toys, had some lunch and then went home. They were both tired, bless. They took a nap for a couple of hours and he just left me to my own devices. Went to Tesco and got some more flowers! Ate dinner and such. Was a very nice time. I liked getting out of the house for bit. Came home to an empty one, which was nice too. I was not in the mood for facing my housemates. I have to kind of psyche myself up now. That’s probably a bad thing. Oh, and for some reason people think there’s something going on between me and this guy. Amusing.

Went to my parents yesterday for my usual Sunday meal. Tried to lock my car and couldn’t. The central locking seems to have decided to fail. Every time I try and lock it, it unlocks itself. Came home and my housemate helped me, he pulled the fuses out for the central locking, but that means no electric windows. I need the windows to get into my work car park! Hoping to either get it fixed now, or I’m going to have to take it to a garage. In between times, gonna have to open the door to stick my sensor card over the barrier at work. Bit annoying, but better to have a car that locks than one that doesn’t.  I wouldn’t trust leaving it anywhere except a garage unlocked. Even then I’d be dubious.

My love life is moving nowhere, and for that I am quite thankful. They’ll only see me as second best. So better to not even be in anyone’s view.

Once You Decide It Shouldn’t Be Said

You shouldn’t say it! For a long time I liked someone, but never once spoke of it to anyone. I don’t know what made me like him or why I feel for him, but I did. There were other things going on around me so I tried to downplay it and didn’t really even admit it to myself. I liked someone else anyway, and was more pursuing that. I decided that it would be one of those unsaid crushes, and that he never needed find out, nor would anyone else.

Anyway, I harboured this for a long time. I talked to him while he had his problems and spoke of how he now saw things. Because of his attitude to relationships and stuff I couldn’t ever really see it working, so I just let him continue to speak the way he did. I thought anything I might of tried doing to change his mind wouldn’t work. So instead of even opening up the box so that it would have to be dealt with I decided that I wouldn’t even say it out loud. It hurt hearing him saying all these things and talking about this girl like she was everything I could never be. Almost perfect. I simply thought I’d never match up to that so I shouldn’t try.

So that’s almost two years ago, or just over. I don’t really pinpoint when I start liking someone. Things happened, life moved on. But I still had a bit of a liking for him. I thought it would be a good idea to tell him. Even though him and a friend basically had a thing going on, early days. I just wanted to say it. I was tired of keeping it a secret. I finally wanted to be acknowledged. Probably because he was acknowledging someone else. When it was me who had sat there for almost 2 years and listened to him pine after another woman. But, it went no further, nothing changed. Only they did.

OHAI AGAIN BROKEN HEART </3

Hey, Welcome To Second Best Flights!

You have a permanent seat in business class, as you seem to fly with us so much.

Enjoy your flight and have a pleasant time being second best!

Well, I'm In A Pickle

I know I said that I wanted to be number one, and I thoroughly convinced myself that should the opportunity arise that I could say I wanted to be number one, that I would voice my thoughts and say that I was no longer going to settle for second best, and given what has gone on that I shouldn't continue to be number two. Convincing myself that I'll do such a thing doesn't mean I'll go on to do it. As I found out the hard way last night. I don't know why I can't just speak up and say that I want it this certain way or it can't happen at all. What I'm asking for is morally the right thing, but when I get there I let the moment take over and end up committing acts that I shouldn't even be thinking about in reality.

My predicament is that he is taken, engaged, trying for a family. But they are broken and he says he's tired of fighting, I try and keep out what's going on in their relationship for fear that I might just tell him to give up and pack it all in, and I know that is not fair to do to him. So I don't really know what's going on with them, just little things here and there. I don't know where they are headed and to be quite honest, I'm not too bothered. I know I should be, because while they are together I shouldn't be allowing these things to happen. Then there's that old golden nugget of it taking two to tango. We both constantly say this has to stop now, things can't go on like they are, but things happen and we let our guards down. I have stopped sharing so much emotionally with him again because I can't let him in. But we may as well be having sex, to be completely blunt.

I hadn't really had a hug from him all day, and it's something we've been doing lately, so I went downstairs while I knew he was playing his console and just gave him a hug from behind, so as not to interfere with his game. Then he held my hand and just pulled me closer into him, eventually kind of turning round, and then he stood up to hug me. We just stood there, in each other's arms, not saying a word. Not uttering a sound. It just feels so peaceful. Nothing needs to be said, so nothing is said. He ended up pulling me onto the couch from a maneuver that almost had me on the floor. I sat on his lap, legs either side of him. And, well, it doesn't take much imagination to know what you can do from that. His phone went at some point, which made me jump a little and that's what made me pull away. Nothing else. I was worried it was her calling him. He called the person back and then came upstairs for another hug. Just a hug. It was kind of like "I'm sorry that I'm doing this to you, but I do want you, but can't give up what I have for you. That's not how it works. You mean a lot to me". I know that seems like an awful lot from a hug. But I'm at a point where I can see hurt in his eyes when I look at him. It's hurt or longing, either way, I wish I could change it for him. But I can't, he's got to change it all for himself.

I know it's got to stop. I've just lot all strength to do that. He's the man I have loved for 7years.

I Want To Be Nothing Less Than #1

I know some people see that as a lot to ask for. But, constantly in my life I have always been put after something. Whether that’s another friend, or a friend whether I am in a friend or girlfriend position. I never feel like I’m factored into a persons decision enough. I will just go along with whatever they want from me and happily be put after something else. Whatever that is, a person, a hobby, a business venture, a job. I mean, I can understand that some things need to be put first, but when you are kind of always considered as a non-priority it starts to get to you.

I have promises made to me, things shared with me, but they always hold something back for fear of how I might act, or put something ahead of me simply because, apparently, I just lie down and take it and don’t stand up for myself enough. I never shout loud enough for my voice to be heard. I just accept that they want it that way and leave it as it is. I need to learn to shout louder to really get what I want from life. The people I want and the things I I want, emotionally or materially. One boyfriend even kept one of his friendships secret from me, he felt that I would react in such a negative way. In the end it wasn’t the friendship that bothered me, it was the secret. Some other guy always took on extra shifts when he knew I was meant to be seeing him. I found out later that was likely him actually seeing another girl. I can also accept that early in a relationship a partner is not going to be a priority, but, when you are told that you never will be a priority and a close friend and a business venture will always be put ahead of you, you lost all hope in that relationship meaning something. Alas, he ended it a few months later saying that he just no longer wanted a girlfriend.

I never feel like I am good enough for someone to be with me. Men just try and get sex out of me. Even the latest ex, but then he goes on and on about it, and I have to remind him that it was his choice to end the relationship and it is now my choice not to continue the sexual side of the relationship. Sure, it was good and I was satisfied, but I went to somewhere that seemed to be more than that at the time that we were together, it may not have been anything more than sexual to him, but sometimes I felt he was falling for me even if he did not want to show it. We seemed to fall into the relationship so easy, we seemed to click so well in many aspects, even if we are two completely different people and have our separate interests. That works for me. We led our different lives, but they never interfered with us as a couple when left alone. We were more than fine. But the way he has acted since just shows me that maybe I was nothing more than sex to him. I admit that I occasionally pick a fight with him to try and get him to admit that I was number one, even if it was just out of the women he admitted liking. Even that seems to take too much effort to actually mean something to me and allow me to feel worth more than I do.

I feel like I really need to fix myself before I pursue anything else with anyone else. I need to value myself and appreciate that I am someone worth spending time with, rearranging things for, or just simply making that time to spend it with me. But I don’t. I let people take me for a ride, or for a mug and just walk all over me. Someone I have known since I was about 2 or 3 is someone I still keep in contact with. I have been trying for almost a year now to meet him with him for a drink, a catch up and he said he would get back to me. But to this day I have still heard nothing from him. Is it so hard for him to reply to me that he is busy, or doesn’t have the time, or even if he is not interested in meeting up for a drink. I’d rather know than stay stuck on this string he seems to have attached to me. He should have absolutely no control over me when it comes to something like that. It should simply come down to the fact that he can’t be bothered so I shouldn’t keep him around. But because I think that maybe he has tried and he just can’t get around to it that I seem to keep him around until he can be bothered to make that time for me. But who says that he ever will make that time for me?  He might never do that. He seems to have enough time to work and play about online and see all his other friends, including my ex who is is best friend. One week I ask and he doesn’t make the time for me and the next week he is out with the guy who was my boyfriend at the time. Should that not tell me something? Should I not just let go and tell him I am worth more than his messing around? I did send him a message to say something about sorting it out. But he’s ignored that. String-cutting time?

I’m not even number one to the guy I have been in love with for seven years, not even after the things we have been through am I his number one, nor any closer than I was before recent events. I am still kept at an arms length, he says he’s scared and asks why I am still here after everything that has happened to him, why do I put up with it, and that he can be who he really is when he’s around me, no hiding. Yet he continues his life that is currently full of lies surrounding fidelity and such, and continues to be engaged to a woman I feel I am worth more than. Continues to try for a child with her despite their relationship being on the rocks from his end for some time now. I am better than her, I have been here longer and through more than her, I know him better in some respects, and he tells me more than he feels he can tell her. Yet I lose out. Again. Will I ever be enough for him? No, probably not. I could give everything to him and likely get nothing back from him.

I cannot continue to settle for second best.

Someone will realise that and show me. Eventually.

What's Wrong With Bands Accumulating Fans?

I say this because recently there has been an increase of people liking the band Owl City, due to the song Fireflies. I see comments from the "older fans" saying that everyone is a band wagon jumper, and some certain types of people shouldn't be listening to this band. This band falls under a different genre than what some people generally listen to, etc. You get the picture. Basically older fans are generally disgruntled that a band has a new found fame and suddenly shot to number one in more countries. Now, this certainly does not go for all fans, no, I'm certainly not tarring all fans with the same brush. But the few that seem to think this way I think ruin your perception of a bands already existing fans. It creates segregation of fans in my opinion. When, really, music should give you a common interest, something to bring people together. Entertainment, happiness and all that jazz.

I also noticed it with a band I liked a couple of years now, called Sick Puppies. I was introduced to them via the Free Hugs video, with the song called All The Same. So, I downloaded their music, a few of their albums, went on to become a fan of them on facebook. A little bandwaggony, sure. But I liked their stuff, like I'm sure plenty of people before me. I know that I often discover music a bit later than most people, but I enjoy it all the same. I noticed some comments on an update on the fan page on Facebook, they were quite rude in my opinion generally of the attitude that Sick Puppies had sold out simply because they had shown their music to a wider audience and were advertising their tour in America. Some Australians (they're an Australian band) were quite bitter and saying that they should "come back to Australia", if you really like a band, surely you'd spread their material for them to gain a wider audience, not hoard them and keep them to yourself?

I just don't get the mentality of being so possessive and bitter about a band or singer you've liked from the early days growing bigger and gaining more types of fans. Music is not about splitting a community, it's about bringing a community together, or bringing many communities together. If a band or singer can bridge a gap between "emos" and "chavs", or "goths" and "posh tottie", or whatever you want to label people as, surely you should recognise the band or singer for being so diverse and not make derogatory comments to other newer fans, or fans that have a generally different taste of music to yourself. A band or singer growing bigger is not the band selling out. It's simply gained a wider, bigger audience.

I thought the whole point of making music and producing it, was to share things via music. Whether that's a message, which one of the most poignant "message holding" songs to me is Everybody Hurts (REM, if you didn't know!), and it's often quite obvious why. Or even just sharing how you feel about the world, life, love or whatever subject takes your fancy by writing some lyrics, or rapping a rhyme. You can also express many emotions in a simple score, by making a melody with certain strings, or percussion, changing up the woodwind or the drums. All of these impact music so greatly, and all of these go onto impact an individual. However that may be. If a song brings out an emotion or memory in you, are you not more inclined to share it that keep it from the world?

I just wish more people, the minority in general, would not be so negative about the increasing popularity of a music they have fallen in love with, it gives certain fans bad names.

I Can’t Find Where To Start

I want to write everything down so I can get everything out to try and figure out what I want from all this, what I have and where I want to go. But I can’t really seem to find a place to start. I don’t have many problems in my life right now. Well, there’s only really one if you’re going to be proper about it, And that would be who I last blogged about. It’s been a few months since things have been up in the air between us but I make out I expect nothing from him, because really I shouldn’t. He’s engaged etc etc, but things have happened between us and the way he talks sometimes makes me think that they are over. It’s just a matter of him ending it. But I continue to give him advice to try and sort it out. I just want him to be happy and the way I see it, advising him to just forget it and try and be with me is not the way to go about being a friend to him. I can’t go after what I want, because in the end, I have to face that it may not be what he wants. So it’s best to start with that frame of mind.

I also really want a job, and the main motivation behind that is I want enough money to be able to support myself financially on my own. The motivation behind that is that I can no longer live in this house and watch him be with her while we continue to have or do whatever we are doing. I can’t have that in secret and then watch him with her day in and day out. It breaks my heart. It hurts even more that through all of this they’ve not stopped trying for a child, and when she had a small scare, and it came back that it was just a scare, it seemed to tear his world apart. If the fact that she’s not pregnant to him, is the thing that tears his world apart it should say to me that he won’t ever leave her with the way things currently are. It feels as though he’s waiting it out to see if the relationship falls into a loveless relationship that she can no longer stand and she has to end it. Like he refuses to make that move even though through everything he says it seems like he is the one who is unhappy. The small things she’s said to me make me think she will never leave him no matter what he does. And it seems like she’ll do almost anything for him if it means keeping him.

I know they have history, and I know it’s wrong to hope that he leaves her. But I simply cannot help myself. Him and I have 7years of history, they have 4. Maybe they’ve been together and had relationship issues, but him and I have had our friendship on almost every level there is possible, he calls me his soul mate for God’s sake. I refer to him as mine, but if things really continue this way I intend to leave and not look back. It will hurt, sure. But I don’t think it can hurt as much as watching the man you love live their life with another woman in the place you feel you should be standing.

I can live with it for now, but as soon as I have the opportunity, I’ll try my hardest to leave him behind. It’s what I need.

You Asked Me What I Wanted From You

And I told you it would not be fair of me to ask that and that I would not ask it of you. You replied with “us?”.

Without me answering you know this to be true. For 7 years I have loved you and watched you live your life as you are, I have moved on and been with others. We loved but lead our lives apart. We supported each other, we cried, we argued, we were lost and we found each other again. Through all of this I have only once ever told you to get out of my life. A decision I was perfectly willing to go through with. But, when I got in contact with you to obtain some things of mine you had, you hadn’t let go. You acted like the argument had not happened and that you wanted it to be erased from memory.

You say I scare you, you are not alone. Every day I wonder what would happen if we were to finally be together. Would it work, would we be happy, would it lead down that path of marriage and children. Would it live up to everything we have dreamed and thought of? I just hope that if I ever get my chance it will work, I will fall more in love with you than I have ever been. It’s not guaranteed though. We are both aware of each others downfalls and that things may not quite go the way we want it to. So we leave things as they are in the hopes that we can both just go on as we are. Not ever having more of one another than this friendship allows. Only ever stealing those special moments here and there and having to hide to the outside world how we feel and what is really going on.

I can’t tell you how it would be, I cannot promise that I would not want for more, I cannot promise to be everything you have ever dreamed of. I cannot promise that I will give you everything you need. I can do my best and be everything I am, but will that ever be enough for you, after 7 years? You ask why I am still here after everything you have put me, no us, through. I can’t truly answer that, but all that ever comes into my head is that maybe I am waiting my turn. I am living my life but staying in yours so that if there ever are the right circumstances for us to try and be together, after how many other attempts we can at least make the attempt as the people we are today. We have grown, we have changed, yet our love has remained the same. Well, actually, no, our love has grown I feel to the point that it scares us more now than it did when we were fifteen. The way I see it, is if it doesn’t scare you it’s probably not something worth trying for.

You have a path that you are currently on, you are engaged to a woman and having been trying to start a family with her for some time now. Yet you come to me and it’s quite clear you are not sure if this is the path for you anymore. Whether that be for our paths to join or for you to start a journey on your own, who knows. I cannot ask you to walk away from her path, it is not my place. I just want you to be happy and for you to make the decision for yourself. Even if that means that I am left behind again. I only ever want us to walk the same path when the time is right and there are no doubts. But with something so big, will there ever be a point where either of us have no doubts at all? Can we ever truly be 100% sure that nothing will go wrong? No, probably not. But we need to be 100% sure that it’s a chance both of us are willing to take.

It could work perfectly, it could go sour, it could just go to a place where we realise we can be nothing more than friends.

I cannot ask you to change your life for me.

I’m Going To Be An Aunt Again

Last week my sister called me to tell me she had something to say. The first thing that jumped into my head is that she is pregnant, but I didn’t say it. I pressed the issue and asked what was up and she revealed that she is pregnant ^_^ I am so happy for her. She has only been with this guy a short time, granted. But she’s so happy and they seem to gel so well together. He gets on with the child she already has and they have been talking about a serious future anyway. They weren’t trying but it was a case of if it happens, it happens. It did. So she’s due around October, I’m not sure of the due date yet, but I’m going to go up there and see the baby while it’s still little and she’s asked me to be godmother to the child. It’s all good.

A couple of times my sisters have both mentioned becoming aunts themselves. ie me becoming pregnant and have a child of my own. There’s a slight problem with that one, no-one to get pregnant with! My old driving instructor suggested a random and a turkey baster. I’m not sure what kind of person that woman thinks I am, hehe. It gets me thinking though. There was a time when I was 17 and all I craved was a family of my own. Someone to walk down the aisle to, and someone to father my children, someone to spend my life with and to rely on. I was quite serious with someone back then, but the relationship fell short of 2years. He fell out of love with me and we came to an end. All in all this clouded my vision of what I wanted. I still wanted it, but the idea of when and who have become unclear. I haven’t even got close to being with someone who even approaches my ideal.

If it doesn’t happen the way I want it to, that’s life. But I want to be married and then have a child, preferably when we are in our own home, and not renting. I want to be as financially stable as I’m even going to be, emotionally stable in myself and stable in my trust of the relationship I’m in at the time. I know if you wait for the “perfect time” it’s never going to happen, so it may, no, it probably won’t even happen this way. But a girl can dream. I really want a family around me. Despite what happened with my mother, and despite not ever really feeling at home with my father, I do crave to have a loving husband and to love my children and bring them up. Show them the world and just have that bond with someone. My mother and I never really had a mother-child bond and it’s something I really feel I missed out on. I want it now more than ever, I feel I could give so much as a mother. I also feel I could fail it entirely because I never had a decent upbringing. The unknown scares me, that's what motherhood is. I’m afraid I’ll become floundered and flustered and lose my way and be a disappointment to my child just like my own mother is to me.

I also recognise that I am in a place where I cannot bring a child into this world. Not knowingly, anyhow. I am single, I am living with a couple, I am emotionally not stable, I do not have a lot of money and I generally feel that I couldn’t support a child in any way at the moment. It’s making that connection and not quite deciding, because there’s no-one to get pregnant with, that it means now is definitely not the time. So no family or a child for me. Though, to find someone and to fall in love would be a welcome change of pace right now. I miss a relationship, I miss being in love and the feeling of happiness that brings, the familiarity and all the little things you learn about someone. I do not miss the amount of worrying I seem to do when I am with someone though. I still need time to myself. It’s better to be alone than with someone and bring them down too.

I’m in love anyway ^_^ just with someone I cannot obtain.

IE Sucks, And I Hope You Know It

Recently there has been a media drama about Internet Explorer. This is because some Chinese hackers managed to get into some human rights activists Google accounts. This started a catalyst, Google threatened to pull out of the Chinese market and then they got slated by other companies, saying it was either a stupid move or a fake move, because of the size of the market that the Chinese market is. There’s tons of people accessing the internet from China now, so it’s a pretty big market to step out of. It’s also got the media all hyped because there is a security issue. Now, Microsoft say that this issue is mostly contained to IE6, if not just IE6 and that no later versions of IE should be affected. Seeing as the media likes to scare monger though, it’s been said that these hackers, or other people are trying to bend the script or whatever they are using to attack later versions of IE, and possibly be used in conjunction with other browsers.

The thing is, even if you do have IE6, the chances of going on one of these vulnerable sites, that can apparently affect your computer with a trojan horse is really really quite remote. It’s not really anything to be concerned about. My colleague even works on his work machine with a trojan day in and day out. Just our virus software isn’t picking it up! Heh, he manages to still get his work done. Even if Google is taken over occasionally and it makes his computer really slow, and turn stop working completely when it feels like it. Today though, our parent company made everyone that they employ upgrade from a mixture of IE6 and IE7 across the board to IE8. Now, I could understand if they upgraded the IE6 machines, but the IE7 ones, really? I’m not sure there was any need. We got an email sent round that if we hadn’t upgraded by lunchtime our computers would be forced to restart to upgrade IE7. It’s fun the amount of influence the media has over such a small loophole. The French and German were even told by their government to stop using IE until the hold was at least closed.

I’m not having a good week overall, I seem to be in a bad mood and the small things can set me off. A couple of people have noticed that I’m not exactly in a brilliant mood but I lie, shrug it off and say everything is fine. This is because I don’t really know what’s going on, so there’s no point in admitting there’s something up, if there’s nothing to talk about in my opinion. I just want to lie around with someone I care about. I miss the attention they give me and I refuse to vocalise it because I am trying to back out of his life. I don’t, no, I can’t be a part of it any longer the way it seems to be going. It’s a bit unfortunate that I live with him because I can’t just shut him out. If I could do things the way I want to, I would have a job that pays enough and be living on my own elsewhere. He would be cut out and he would know why. But his fiancée would probably be none the wiser. She’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer anyway. I don’t think I’d even need to tell him that the choice he has made by staying with her is one I could no longer live with and I would have to cut him out. Before, not being as close as we have been I could just about cope with living with him in this manner. It’s so hard now though. Much tougher than I thought. I can just about deal with it, but there’s only so far any human can go, right? I know what I want to do. I know where I want to go. I just need to progress my life in that direction and it starts with a new job that pays enough. So I look weekly, and I’ve applied weekly too.

Money is really worrying me this week, actually. We get a bonus that is 10% of our yearly salary. But, 5% is company profit based and we didn’t make it. So bam, cut it in half. Then I found out yesterday that I am in fact only getting 4%, I’m on a pretty low salary. So it’s a pretty low bonus. And after tax and National Insurance I’m not really taking home a ton of money, so I need to save harder for the next 6months to get my car serviced, MOTed, taxed and insured. Which means pretty much no treats for me. Then I need to save up because I want to go and see my sister up north later in the year. I’m basically going to be broke. It would be nice if I got another job because any increase on the salary would go towards my savings. ANYTHING helps where I am now. We also got told just before Christmas that we weren’t getting our annual pay increase because of the current climate. So I approached my boss to see if I could have an individual pay review as I was still earning under the minimum wage. I’m going to be taking on more tasks this year because a colleague is going on maternity leave and one is leaving (not that the company knows about the one leaving yet, no-one but my pregnant colleague and I know). Therefore I think it’s only fair if my pay is adjusted so that I take home the same as them. I feel a little under appreciated to be honest. Because I probably do the most work. Legworkwise.

I would just like to curl up and ignore everything for a couple of days.

I Can't Let Myself Fall For You

That doesn't necessarily mean it won't happen. I don't want to fall for you for fear of getting my heart broken again, but it doesn't mean it won't happen. My heart is still broken as far as I'm concerned, I'm still picking up the pieces, but I'm taking time to do this so that it is all put back together properly. Not a rushed job. Not just something to plaster over the cracks so that it can get broken again. I'm taking out time to spend it on myself. Be selfish for a while and really work out what I want from life and those around me. And if I feel I'm not getting what I want, or treated as I feel I deserve to be treated, I'm making steps to rectify that so that I am seen as worth something to someone, so that I don't feel worthless in myself.

You treat me how I want to be treated, you say all the right things. You pay me the attention I admittedly crave, but do not seek. You have a balance of emotional connection and don't overpower it with your sexual wants. You seem to genuinely care for me and look out for my needs. You say you miss me, you say you want me, sometimes. You compliment me and you look my way. Yet I can't be with you. It seems like all I am is never number one, always the secret, or always a back up. I can't be with you until I am your number one, until you come through with what you promise me and that you can give me everything I need from you. Sure, part of that seems selfish. But I've had my heart broken a few times now, I know I'm still relatively young and there are plenty more chances for me to have my heart broken until I find someone who doesn't break it, or until I'm so cold it can't be broken anymore. There are things that I can do to prevent my heart from being so broken so easily though. I am ensuring this is the case to the best of my ability.

I need to look out for myself and ensure that what I'm giving others is what I want too. I can't continue to give all of myself, or even part of myself to someone I don't want 100%, or can't be sure wants me a majority of the time. I need you to need me. I want you to want me. But most of all I need you to want me, and show me that this is the case. You can tell me you like me, you can tell me you want me, you can tell me you love me, but I can't guarantee that I will believe you. I will always doubt what you tell me and I am being completely up front about that. I can't always trust you because of my past, but I will learn to trust you, you have to let me take the time to do that and show me that I can trust you. Please don't lose patience and doubt me in the way I seem to doubt you. I try and get over it and I try and work through it before I make it an issue between us, rather than just my own issue. I recognise that this is my downfall and that this is something that I should work on. But there's only so far I can go on my own and if there is a behaviour from you that is causing it to be a little inflated, I will voice my concern. I no longer sit quietly in the corner and let things get to me. I don't let them overtake my life. I tell you what is going wrong, and if you are doing anything to make it so. I'm sorry, but I can't just bend completely to someone's will anymore. The more I am alone and looking out for myself, the more I realise this and want to vocalise my needs and wants to those that are wanting and needing from me.

I've considered telling you I want more than you're giving me but more often than not come to the conclusion that this will get me nowhere. I can't get more than we are currently sharing because life currently dictates that it's not feasible. You are in a different place, and one that doesn't allow us to share. Whether that's emotionally, financially, geographically or whatever. We are worlds apart right now in regards to ever going anywhere and if I'm quite honest that saddens me. I like you, more than I care to admit, but I feel that it's not reciprocated and that I will just be shot down. So it's better to feel like this alone, and only have to deal with it myself than answer questions to those around me. The questions will be so laced with caring but I don't have the strength for others to know I feel this way or let them know how things are progressing inside me. If I don't tell anyone I can get over it and pretend I never felt this way.

But in reality, I just want one chance.

God Made Haiti Happen, Because He Doesn't Care

Really!? Do people really believe that this is the case and that Haiti happened because God neither cares or just let it happen, he didn't want to prevent the hurt and loss of thousands of Haitians? I don't think so, and it's really quite a weird viewpoint to myself.

He built the Earth knowing exactly what flaws it had in place, and he made everything in and on it. He knows that the human, and animal races will encounter times that are difficult to get through. But really whats the point in believing in a God, if He doesn't let you question it. After all, He gave us free will for a reason. He let us find out what is good and bad for ourselves, and if we don't truly appreciate what we believe, what makes us who we are, it would be quite the boring life.

It's not a punishment either, the world in fact comes closer together the bigger the disaster. We learn and we gain knowledge, and we help other nationalities get through what is affecting their countries. We send out aid, the charity that comes from other countries sometimes seem endless. We need these times in my opinion, because as the world moves on, we grow apart. Natural disasters, though devestating bring the world back together a little.

But to suggest that Haiti deserve the disaster is another thing that I find completely wrong, for making a pact with the Devil to gain their freedom, really? I didn't know that God was a vengeful God. In fact I've always been taught quite the opposite.

I've always questionned my faith, I have always questionned if it's the God that Catholicism and Christianity portray is the one that I truly believe in. You know what, I always tend to come back to the fact that I do believe in Him. I might not outwardly show a religious streak but it's something I was bought up with and can't really just ignore, I can't turn it off and no matter how much I doubted him through my teen years and such, I have always come back. That could be a sense of naivity or connections to my childhood, but that's how it goes.

It's not God that lets the disasters happen. It's the way Earth is designed.

Whether you believe that to be by the hand of God, or through Scientific means.

I Dislike Bad Days

Today did not start well. I woke up feeling rough, with a sore throat and bad headache. I don’t often notice them so early even if I am suffering from them and on a heap load of tablets. I thought I lost my phone on getting into work, luckily it had only dropped onto the floor of the passenger side of my car. That was a sigh of relief. Then the work day started… first I got to open lots of envelopes. Also, a mailing “hit”. This means that we sent out a bunch of letters and everyone received them today, meaning that the phones didn’t stop going. I also had a disappearing voice. So, it hurt to talk on the phone, and I felt like I wasn’t getting any work done. Every time I got into a little pattern, bam, the phone would go so I had to answer it. Well, I have no choice on answering it. It goes beep in my ear and I have to say hello.

Which has put me in a bad mood all day and I feel quite snappy, then I come home to someone attacking my personal character when the existing argument is one of how to go about something, not about the instance in which I’m specifically involved. REAL nice when you know someone can’t let go of their bitch attitude to have a discussion that doesn’t evolve or devolve into personal attacks. It’s good to know where you really stand with someone though. I just wished they’d a) fuck off. b) fuck off. c) not get personal and fuck off. I’m just going to turn a blind eye to it now, so to speak. Seems the best way to deal with it.

I’m also really badly feeling down about boys at the moment. I’ve now been single around 7months and a bit, which is the longest I’ve been single since I was about 16. Since I was 16 until almost 21, I always had a boyfriend, for about 4.4years, or at least heavily involved with someone, if not their girlfriend. So this is quite an non-walked path of sorts for me, and I am still getting used to it. I like it though. I like that I don’t feel so obligated to someone, or that I feel I have to bend to their will. Anything I do, I am doing for me. I’m getting attention and giving attention. At the same time, not feeling in the wrong that I might be giving attention to 3 men at the same time, or getting it from 3 men at the same time. I’m single, I should be allowed! My prerogative, right? :)

Though, the reason I’m feeling bad is there is this one guy I am still in love with. And have been since I was 15. We call each other soul mates, and tell each other “I love you”. We spend a decent amount of time together and are quite intimate. The problem? He has a fiancée. They are on the rocks, and that’s not down to me. But that doesn’t make anything that’s happened right. If anything, it makes it more wrong because it’s just clouding his mind more, and I feel guilty for that. There was a point where it was really stepping over the lines, but we’ve pulled it back over, and are talking about it. But it was agreed even if they end, we won’t necessarily get together. Him and I have just never been that simple. It would be nice, but it would be dreaming. I know what him and I have is special and wouldn’t change a thing right now. But I can’t say I don’t want him, or don’t still think about it, but it also still worries me and scares the life out of me, as in do I really want that right now? It won’t be a “let’s test the water”, it would more likely fall down to “this is it. this is my future husband, this is the future father of my children” type deal. The way I’ve changed in the last 2 years has put me further from that than I’ve been since about mid-teens. Eh, we’ll have to see what the future holds on that one. I’m trying to concentrate on me for once :)