I’ve enjoyed my week off. Had a nice relaxing week. Got my MOT and service done on Monday, which ended up a little cheaper than I first thought. Had a day of nothing on Tuesday. On Wednesday I went into town with my younger sister and I bought my Dad a card and a soft toy, a meerkat! He had an operation on his hand, and it seems quite customary to get a small toy in our family. I’ve never had one, and I’ve never given one, so I thought I would this time. I also got him his birthday present, and bought myself a couple of DVDs, The Hurt Locker, 500 Days of Summer and Kill Bill: Volume I & II. Had a good day in town. Went back to my parents to see my dad and I had a birthday present there from my step grandparents, and a couple more cards.
Everything finally fell apart with the man I love, I guess it was inevitable, and it took a long fucking time. But I’m pretty much broken again. I had hope I shouldn’t have and I thought the waiting might finally be over, but it’s not. What we did is done and I can’t change that. And I’ll never have any of him again. I have to realise this all over again. I thought I would never have to. His loyalties unfortunately lie with her. I can’t ask anything of him. But I’m not even sure I can remain close friends with him. I want too much. The stuff he can never give me. Such is life. I compromised my morals for him, I compromised who I am. I have a feeling it’s for more than the short term. It seems to have changed where I see lines to be. I am again, on the line I possibly shouldn’t be. Am I attracted to the excitement now? When I care for someone, a lot less seems to stop me than it used to. I want what I want, and sometimes I don’t care who I might hurt. Time will tell what happens with this one.
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