Eternal Life

Last week I was spontaneous and just went and got a tatoo on my lunch break. It's something I've been wanting since I went to Egypt four or five years ago so a lot of prior thought had in fact gone into it. I like the symbolism of it. I had a dream on the weekend that for some reason my dad was going to pay for myself and my two sisters to get a tattoo each and my choice came down to my Celtic cross or an ankh. I've wanted both for a while and one would end up on my wrist and the other on the back of my neck. In my dream I went for the ankh on my wrist and that's what really kind of made the decision for me.

During work I then found a nice simple ankh, I don't really want to spoil it with detail and adjusted it to about the size I wanted it. On my lunch break I went round to the tattoo parlour asked for a price and estimated amount of time, £30 (minimum charge) and 15minutes. Asked if he was available to do it right then and he was. They had a power cut and had to rebook all the appointments for the day as they weren't sure how long they'd be without the power. 15minutes later I walk out all bandaged up and quite proud with myself that I had gone ahead and done that.

Today half the scabs are still there and half are gone. It is a tiny bit out of symmetry, but I'm not sure anyone else would really figure that out. The picture below was taken the day after.

Consumed With What's To Transpire

I've been pretty quiet lately, and that accounts for all areas of my life. I've not been online and I've not really been talking to many people. I just feel very private lately, that's probably a result of what's been happening. Nothing is really steady, but nothing is really going anywhere. I'm always here and there with anyone that's close to me. Mostly with one person. But I can't ask for anymore than I have, I already shouldn't have done what's been done. Though I don't regret it. It felt right, it was wonderful and it took almost 7 and a half years to get there. That's a pretty big build up to something, no?

He is staying with her though and I fully understand that's where his obligations need to lie. He's invested a good chunk of his life in her and they actually made it so far to be together. I hold no claims over him simply because I have loved him since I was 14. It doesn't stop me feeling like I should have though. Part of me feels I should be number one and she shouldn't matter. It's not the case. It won't be the case. She means a lot to him or they would have never got engaged. I have to accept that and I have. Not what I want though. I got more from him lately, and he decided that it has to stop. He made the move to say it. I know it has to, but I still don't really want it to. I don't want him doing anything he may regret though. I don't want to be simply a regret, a mistake. I would love to repeat what happened, again. He knows that, and he feels the same, but we can't. Simply can't. It's not fair. On anyone.

I could have done it again last night. In a heartbeat.

I'm A Little Bit Lost Without You, And A Bloody Big Mess Inside

I am still in a complete mess, and I'm getting to the point that I don't care about sorting it out. I have no energy to change it. There was this guy that I really liked, and I've kind of cut him out. In fact, I've pretty much cut everyone out. I just feel like I haven't the energy to be talking to people. I don't want to be on the computer much, either. Seeing as that's where I mostly talk to people, a lot of my communication has been cut out. Instead I sit watching films or TV, or just relaxing.

Nothing of much importance has really happened to me, but the things with my housemate still aren't disappearing. We may as well be having full sex, but for some reason there is this invisible boundary that means we haven't gone past things that imitate sex. There's some pleasure involved in various ways, but nothing that you'd usually go directly to. The only thing we do is kiss. And oh my, I wish I could kiss him every day. I keep hugging him every day just because I like to hold him. I love the feeling I have when I am in his arms. I feel so warm, so wanted, so loved. And as soon as we pull apart I feel alone again. I long to be with him, to be his. To call him my own. Every time I am in his arms all that runs through my head is that I love him. I want to tell him but I feel like I have no rights to tell him that I love him. I can't take the words as thoughts and utter them as audible words. I still fear hearing silence, or something equally as cutting.

I came out of the shower last night and waited for the dinner I had ordered and watched him playing his console. Then we ate when the food came and he browsed the internet for a while. He came over to the couch for one reason or another and we just sat there hugging. He pulled me onto his lap and I felt so secure, so happy. He was running his hands over my back, a couple of times he hit spots that are ticklish so I giggled. It moved onto moving our bodies into one another, after he started kissing my neck. Things got a little heated to say the least, but we still didn't have sex. We kissed a fair bit, but that was it. We both got a lot of pleasure out of kissing and being intimate. Yet had no actual finish or anything of the sort. I don't know, that seems to be the invisible boundary that is unsaid but in place. Even though I know he's cheating on his fiancee, and he knows he's cheating on her. It doesn't get talked about. I wish I had the balls to ask him to leave her. I wish I had the courage for us to give it a proper go. It's what I want more than anything in this world right now. But it looks like it won't ever happen. I lay on the couch with him on top of me and just ran my hands all over his back, down his sides, over his shoulders, to try and implant the memory of him in my head. I just wanted to remember how he feels, how he smells, how I felt in that moment. This morning my hands still smelled of his skin. I was taken back to being that happy, if for a brief moment.

It looks like he has too much on his current relationship or won't end it for whatever reason. Whether that's because it's normal, on the dependency, or the fact they are more of a unit than two separate people now. He seems unhappy and sometimes he says he's unhappy, he's told me he no longer wants to keep fighting. But that's what he's doing. I wish he was fighting and putting that much effort into him and I. I am so incredibly jealous of her and what she has. Sometimes I wish she was completely off the scene. Maybe we would be together by now, who knows. We seem to do everything backwards. I do not have the energy to change what is going on with us at the moment. I know I need to stop it, but I don't want to in all honesty. I want to get everything I can of him while I can, I want to take the opportunity to the fullest level I can. It sounds selfish, but all that is running through my head is that I may never get this chance again. This may well be all I ever get to have of him, to be with him. After 7years, who would not take this chance? Not many people would fully turn down something that they have craved for so long. I know I'm wrong to do this. I'm almost set on the idea of not changing it while he seeks it. And then when I move out that will be it. I can cut ties then. That will be when I get over whatever was left of us.

I hope that day never comes. I hope I never have to say goodbye.

...I'm a little bit lost without you, but this ain't a love song, this is goodbye.

“Daddy! The Flowers Are Droopy!”

My life is rather uneventful, I’d say. I needed to get away from everything this weekend, this house, the people in it, my friends, and the computer! So I asked a friend if I could escape to his again this weekend, and he said that was ok. That’s the main event of the week I guess.

I took last Thursday off work because I had a monster of a headache, which started on Wednesday night. I woke up feeling like my head was going to explode so I text my boss and said I was having difficulty, felt light headed and dizzy too. I phoned the doctor to ask for a change of painkillers, and he said he’d leave a prescription at the front desk for me. I went up on my lunch and noticed I had been prescribed a drug which I have said three times not only doesn’t help my headaches, it in fact makes them worse. So I left it there to get changed after a few “wise words” from the receptionist. She asked if I had tried co-codamol for them. Of course I have you bint, not even opioids are working, not sure where she got her medical training from, and that was followed by “I’m not sure what else the Doctor could prescribe you”. Well, duh. But I can assure you, lady, that there’s far more than 4 painkillers available. You’d think someone would know that working in a surgery. I went back after work and got a new painkiller, and a preventative to switch to, if my current ones continue to fail. Took a painkiller Friday evening and it got rid of that headache. I’m just left with the head pain I always have. :(

Friday night I went to my friends, and he has the cutest kid ever. As soon as he came in he noticed that the flowers had died, (bought the previous weekend) and pointed it out to me. And then ran out to his dad to tell him. So it was concluded that they’d get some more. Spent the night talking and playing with the kid and went to bed about midnight or so. Woke up earlyish for me and then we went and had a McDonalds breakfast, and took his kid through the car wash for the first time. I’m now a little climbing frame and he’ll play with me and stuff. He wasn’t so sure of me the first time I met him. Went round town and just bought the kid some toys, had some lunch and then went home. They were both tired, bless. They took a nap for a couple of hours and he just left me to my own devices. Went to Tesco and got some more flowers! Ate dinner and such. Was a very nice time. I liked getting out of the house for bit. Came home to an empty one, which was nice too. I was not in the mood for facing my housemates. I have to kind of psyche myself up now. That’s probably a bad thing. Oh, and for some reason people think there’s something going on between me and this guy. Amusing.

Went to my parents yesterday for my usual Sunday meal. Tried to lock my car and couldn’t. The central locking seems to have decided to fail. Every time I try and lock it, it unlocks itself. Came home and my housemate helped me, he pulled the fuses out for the central locking, but that means no electric windows. I need the windows to get into my work car park! Hoping to either get it fixed now, or I’m going to have to take it to a garage. In between times, gonna have to open the door to stick my sensor card over the barrier at work. Bit annoying, but better to have a car that locks than one that doesn’t.  I wouldn’t trust leaving it anywhere except a garage unlocked. Even then I’d be dubious.

My love life is moving nowhere, and for that I am quite thankful. They’ll only see me as second best. So better to not even be in anyone’s view.

Once You Decide It Shouldn’t Be Said

You shouldn’t say it! For a long time I liked someone, but never once spoke of it to anyone. I don’t know what made me like him or why I feel for him, but I did. There were other things going on around me so I tried to downplay it and didn’t really even admit it to myself. I liked someone else anyway, and was more pursuing that. I decided that it would be one of those unsaid crushes, and that he never needed find out, nor would anyone else.

Anyway, I harboured this for a long time. I talked to him while he had his problems and spoke of how he now saw things. Because of his attitude to relationships and stuff I couldn’t ever really see it working, so I just let him continue to speak the way he did. I thought anything I might of tried doing to change his mind wouldn’t work. So instead of even opening up the box so that it would have to be dealt with I decided that I wouldn’t even say it out loud. It hurt hearing him saying all these things and talking about this girl like she was everything I could never be. Almost perfect. I simply thought I’d never match up to that so I shouldn’t try.

So that’s almost two years ago, or just over. I don’t really pinpoint when I start liking someone. Things happened, life moved on. But I still had a bit of a liking for him. I thought it would be a good idea to tell him. Even though him and a friend basically had a thing going on, early days. I just wanted to say it. I was tired of keeping it a secret. I finally wanted to be acknowledged. Probably because he was acknowledging someone else. When it was me who had sat there for almost 2 years and listened to him pine after another woman. But, it went no further, nothing changed. Only they did.

OHAI AGAIN BROKEN HEART </3

Hey, Welcome To Second Best Flights!

You have a permanent seat in business class, as you seem to fly with us so much.

Enjoy your flight and have a pleasant time being second best!

Well, I'm In A Pickle

I know I said that I wanted to be number one, and I thoroughly convinced myself that should the opportunity arise that I could say I wanted to be number one, that I would voice my thoughts and say that I was no longer going to settle for second best, and given what has gone on that I shouldn't continue to be number two. Convincing myself that I'll do such a thing doesn't mean I'll go on to do it. As I found out the hard way last night. I don't know why I can't just speak up and say that I want it this certain way or it can't happen at all. What I'm asking for is morally the right thing, but when I get there I let the moment take over and end up committing acts that I shouldn't even be thinking about in reality.

My predicament is that he is taken, engaged, trying for a family. But they are broken and he says he's tired of fighting, I try and keep out what's going on in their relationship for fear that I might just tell him to give up and pack it all in, and I know that is not fair to do to him. So I don't really know what's going on with them, just little things here and there. I don't know where they are headed and to be quite honest, I'm not too bothered. I know I should be, because while they are together I shouldn't be allowing these things to happen. Then there's that old golden nugget of it taking two to tango. We both constantly say this has to stop now, things can't go on like they are, but things happen and we let our guards down. I have stopped sharing so much emotionally with him again because I can't let him in. But we may as well be having sex, to be completely blunt.

I hadn't really had a hug from him all day, and it's something we've been doing lately, so I went downstairs while I knew he was playing his console and just gave him a hug from behind, so as not to interfere with his game. Then he held my hand and just pulled me closer into him, eventually kind of turning round, and then he stood up to hug me. We just stood there, in each other's arms, not saying a word. Not uttering a sound. It just feels so peaceful. Nothing needs to be said, so nothing is said. He ended up pulling me onto the couch from a maneuver that almost had me on the floor. I sat on his lap, legs either side of him. And, well, it doesn't take much imagination to know what you can do from that. His phone went at some point, which made me jump a little and that's what made me pull away. Nothing else. I was worried it was her calling him. He called the person back and then came upstairs for another hug. Just a hug. It was kind of like "I'm sorry that I'm doing this to you, but I do want you, but can't give up what I have for you. That's not how it works. You mean a lot to me". I know that seems like an awful lot from a hug. But I'm at a point where I can see hurt in his eyes when I look at him. It's hurt or longing, either way, I wish I could change it for him. But I can't, he's got to change it all for himself.

I know it's got to stop. I've just lot all strength to do that. He's the man I have loved for 7years.