I am still in a complete mess, and I'm getting to the point that I don't care about sorting it out. I have no energy to change it. There was this guy that I really liked, and I've kind of cut him out. In fact, I've pretty much cut everyone out. I just feel like I haven't the energy to be talking to people. I don't want to be on the computer much, either. Seeing as that's where I mostly talk to people, a lot of my communication has been cut out. Instead I sit watching films or TV, or just relaxing.
Nothing of much importance has really happened to me, but the things with my housemate still aren't disappearing. We may as well be having full sex, but for some reason there is this invisible boundary that means we haven't gone past things that imitate sex. There's some pleasure involved in various ways, but nothing that you'd usually go directly to. The only thing we do is kiss. And oh my, I wish I could kiss him every day. I keep hugging him every day just because I like to hold him. I love the feeling I have when I am in his arms. I feel so warm, so wanted, so loved. And as soon as we pull apart I feel alone again. I long to be with him, to be his. To call him my own. Every time I am in his arms all that runs through my head is that I love him. I want to tell him but I feel like I have no rights to tell him that I love him. I can't take the words as thoughts and utter them as audible words. I still fear hearing silence, or something equally as cutting.
I came out of the shower last night and waited for the dinner I had ordered and watched him playing his console. Then we ate when the food came and he browsed the internet for a while. He came over to the couch for one reason or another and we just sat there hugging. He pulled me onto his lap and I felt so secure, so happy. He was running his hands over my back, a couple of times he hit spots that are ticklish so I giggled. It moved onto moving our bodies into one another, after he started kissing my neck. Things got a little heated to say the least, but we still didn't have sex. We kissed a fair bit, but that was it. We both got a lot of pleasure out of kissing and being intimate. Yet had no actual finish or anything of the sort. I don't know, that seems to be the invisible boundary that is unsaid but in place. Even though I know he's cheating on his fiancee, and he knows he's cheating on her. It doesn't get talked about. I wish I had the balls to ask him to leave her. I wish I had the courage for us to give it a proper go. It's what I want more than anything in this world right now. But it looks like it won't ever happen. I lay on the couch with him on top of me and just ran my hands all over his back, down his sides, over his shoulders, to try and implant the memory of him in my head. I just wanted to remember how he feels, how he smells, how I felt in that moment. This morning my hands still smelled of his skin. I was taken back to being that happy, if for a brief moment.
It looks like he has too much on his current relationship or won't end it for whatever reason. Whether that's because it's normal, on the dependency, or the fact they are more of a unit than two separate people now. He seems unhappy and sometimes he says he's unhappy, he's told me he no longer wants to keep fighting. But that's what he's doing. I wish he was fighting and putting that much effort into him and I. I am so incredibly jealous of her and what she has. Sometimes I wish she was completely off the scene. Maybe we would be together by now, who knows. We seem to do everything backwards. I do not have the energy to change what is going on with us at the moment. I know I need to stop it, but I don't want to in all honesty. I want to get everything I can of him while I can, I want to take the opportunity to the fullest level I can. It sounds selfish, but all that is running through my head is that I may never get this chance again. This may well be all I ever get to have of him, to be with him. After 7years, who would not take this chance? Not many people would fully turn down something that they have craved for so long. I know I'm wrong to do this. I'm almost set on the idea of not changing it while he seeks it. And then when I move out that will be it. I can cut ties then. That will be when I get over whatever was left of us.
I hope that day never comes. I hope I never have to say goodbye.
...I'm a little bit lost without you, but this ain't a love song, this is goodbye.
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