I know I said that I wanted to be number one, and I thoroughly convinced myself that should the opportunity arise that I could say I wanted to be number one, that I would voice my thoughts and say that I was no longer going to settle for second best, and given what has gone on that I shouldn't continue to be number two. Convincing myself that I'll do such a thing doesn't mean I'll go on to do it. As I found out the hard way last night. I don't know why I can't just speak up and say that I want it this certain way or it can't happen at all. What I'm asking for is morally the right thing, but when I get there I let the moment take over and end up committing acts that I shouldn't even be thinking about in reality.
My predicament is that he is taken, engaged, trying for a family. But they are broken and he says he's tired of fighting, I try and keep out what's going on in their relationship for fear that I might just tell him to give up and pack it all in, and I know that is not fair to do to him. So I don't really know what's going on with them, just little things here and there. I don't know where they are headed and to be quite honest, I'm not too bothered. I know I should be, because while they are together I shouldn't be allowing these things to happen. Then there's that old golden nugget of it taking two to tango. We both constantly say this has to stop now, things can't go on like they are, but things happen and we let our guards down. I have stopped sharing so much emotionally with him again because I can't let him in. But we may as well be having sex, to be completely blunt.
I hadn't really had a hug from him all day, and it's something we've been doing lately, so I went downstairs while I knew he was playing his console and just gave him a hug from behind, so as not to interfere with his game. Then he held my hand and just pulled me closer into him, eventually kind of turning round, and then he stood up to hug me. We just stood there, in each other's arms, not saying a word. Not uttering a sound. It just feels so peaceful. Nothing needs to be said, so nothing is said. He ended up pulling me onto the couch from a maneuver that almost had me on the floor. I sat on his lap, legs either side of him. And, well, it doesn't take much imagination to know what you can do from that. His phone went at some point, which made me jump a little and that's what made me pull away. Nothing else. I was worried it was her calling him. He called the person back and then came upstairs for another hug. Just a hug. It was kind of like "I'm sorry that I'm doing this to you, but I do want you, but can't give up what I have for you. That's not how it works. You mean a lot to me". I know that seems like an awful lot from a hug. But I'm at a point where I can see hurt in his eyes when I look at him. It's hurt or longing, either way, I wish I could change it for him. But I can't, he's got to change it all for himself.
I know it's got to stop. I've just lot all strength to do that. He's the man I have loved for 7years.
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