Last week my sister called me to tell me she had something to say. The first thing that jumped into my head is that she is pregnant, but I didn’t say it. I pressed the issue and asked what was up and she revealed that she is pregnant ^_^ I am so happy for her. She has only been with this guy a short time, granted. But she’s so happy and they seem to gel so well together. He gets on with the child she already has and they have been talking about a serious future anyway. They weren’t trying but it was a case of if it happens, it happens. It did. So she’s due around October, I’m not sure of the due date yet, but I’m going to go up there and see the baby while it’s still little and she’s asked me to be godmother to the child. It’s all good.
A couple of times my sisters have both mentioned becoming aunts themselves. ie me becoming pregnant and have a child of my own. There’s a slight problem with that one, no-one to get pregnant with! My old driving instructor suggested a random and a turkey baster. I’m not sure what kind of person that woman thinks I am, hehe. It gets me thinking though. There was a time when I was 17 and all I craved was a family of my own. Someone to walk down the aisle to, and someone to father my children, someone to spend my life with and to rely on. I was quite serious with someone back then, but the relationship fell short of 2years. He fell out of love with me and we came to an end. All in all this clouded my vision of what I wanted. I still wanted it, but the idea of when and who have become unclear. I haven’t even got close to being with someone who even approaches my ideal.
If it doesn’t happen the way I want it to, that’s life. But I want to be married and then have a child, preferably when we are in our own home, and not renting. I want to be as financially stable as I’m even going to be, emotionally stable in myself and stable in my trust of the relationship I’m in at the time. I know if you wait for the “perfect time” it’s never going to happen, so it may, no, it probably won’t even happen this way. But a girl can dream. I really want a family around me. Despite what happened with my mother, and despite not ever really feeling at home with my father, I do crave to have a loving husband and to love my children and bring them up. Show them the world and just have that bond with someone. My mother and I never really had a mother-child bond and it’s something I really feel I missed out on. I want it now more than ever, I feel I could give so much as a mother. I also feel I could fail it entirely because I never had a decent upbringing. The unknown scares me, that's what motherhood is. I’m afraid I’ll become floundered and flustered and lose my way and be a disappointment to my child just like my own mother is to me.
I also recognise that I am in a place where I cannot bring a child into this world. Not knowingly, anyhow. I am single, I am living with a couple, I am emotionally not stable, I do not have a lot of money and I generally feel that I couldn’t support a child in any way at the moment. It’s making that connection and not quite deciding, because there’s no-one to get pregnant with, that it means now is definitely not the time. So no family or a child for me. Though, to find someone and to fall in love would be a welcome change of pace right now. I miss a relationship, I miss being in love and the feeling of happiness that brings, the familiarity and all the little things you learn about someone. I do not miss the amount of worrying I seem to do when I am with someone though. I still need time to myself. It’s better to be alone than with someone and bring them down too.
I’m in love anyway ^_^ just with someone I cannot obtain.
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