Today did not start well. I woke up feeling rough, with a sore throat and bad headache. I don’t often notice them so early even if I am suffering from them and on a heap load of tablets. I thought I lost my phone on getting into work, luckily it had only dropped onto the floor of the passenger side of my car. That was a sigh of relief. Then the work day started… first I got to open lots of envelopes. Also, a mailing “hit”. This means that we sent out a bunch of letters and everyone received them today, meaning that the phones didn’t stop going. I also had a disappearing voice. So, it hurt to talk on the phone, and I felt like I wasn’t getting any work done. Every time I got into a little pattern, bam, the phone would go so I had to answer it. Well, I have no choice on answering it. It goes beep in my ear and I have to say hello.
Which has put me in a bad mood all day and I feel quite snappy, then I come home to someone attacking my personal character when the existing argument is one of how to go about something, not about the instance in which I’m specifically involved. REAL nice when you know someone can’t let go of their bitch attitude to have a discussion that doesn’t evolve or devolve into personal attacks. It’s good to know where you really stand with someone though. I just wished they’d a) fuck off. b) fuck off. c) not get personal and fuck off. I’m just going to turn a blind eye to it now, so to speak. Seems the best way to deal with it.
I’m also really badly feeling down about boys at the moment. I’ve now been single around 7months and a bit, which is the longest I’ve been single since I was about 16. Since I was 16 until almost 21, I always had a boyfriend, for about 4.4years, or at least heavily involved with someone, if not their girlfriend. So this is quite an non-walked path of sorts for me, and I am still getting used to it. I like it though. I like that I don’t feel so obligated to someone, or that I feel I have to bend to their will. Anything I do, I am doing for me. I’m getting attention and giving attention. At the same time, not feeling in the wrong that I might be giving attention to 3 men at the same time, or getting it from 3 men at the same time. I’m single, I should be allowed! My prerogative, right? :)
Though, the reason I’m feeling bad is there is this one guy I am still in love with. And have been since I was 15. We call each other soul mates, and tell each other “I love you”. We spend a decent amount of time together and are quite intimate. The problem? He has a fiancée. They are on the rocks, and that’s not down to me. But that doesn’t make anything that’s happened right. If anything, it makes it more wrong because it’s just clouding his mind more, and I feel guilty for that. There was a point where it was really stepping over the lines, but we’ve pulled it back over, and are talking about it. But it was agreed even if they end, we won’t necessarily get together. Him and I have just never been that simple. It would be nice, but it would be dreaming. I know what him and I have is special and wouldn’t change a thing right now. But I can’t say I don’t want him, or don’t still think about it, but it also still worries me and scares the life out of me, as in do I really want that right now? It won’t be a “let’s test the water”, it would more likely fall down to “this is it. this is my future husband, this is the future father of my children” type deal. The way I’ve changed in the last 2 years has put me further from that than I’ve been since about mid-teens. Eh, we’ll have to see what the future holds on that one. I’m trying to concentrate on me for once :)
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