I Can’t Find Where To Start

I want to write everything down so I can get everything out to try and figure out what I want from all this, what I have and where I want to go. But I can’t really seem to find a place to start. I don’t have many problems in my life right now. Well, there’s only really one if you’re going to be proper about it, And that would be who I last blogged about. It’s been a few months since things have been up in the air between us but I make out I expect nothing from him, because really I shouldn’t. He’s engaged etc etc, but things have happened between us and the way he talks sometimes makes me think that they are over. It’s just a matter of him ending it. But I continue to give him advice to try and sort it out. I just want him to be happy and the way I see it, advising him to just forget it and try and be with me is not the way to go about being a friend to him. I can’t go after what I want, because in the end, I have to face that it may not be what he wants. So it’s best to start with that frame of mind.

I also really want a job, and the main motivation behind that is I want enough money to be able to support myself financially on my own. The motivation behind that is that I can no longer live in this house and watch him be with her while we continue to have or do whatever we are doing. I can’t have that in secret and then watch him with her day in and day out. It breaks my heart. It hurts even more that through all of this they’ve not stopped trying for a child, and when she had a small scare, and it came back that it was just a scare, it seemed to tear his world apart. If the fact that she’s not pregnant to him, is the thing that tears his world apart it should say to me that he won’t ever leave her with the way things currently are. It feels as though he’s waiting it out to see if the relationship falls into a loveless relationship that she can no longer stand and she has to end it. Like he refuses to make that move even though through everything he says it seems like he is the one who is unhappy. The small things she’s said to me make me think she will never leave him no matter what he does. And it seems like she’ll do almost anything for him if it means keeping him.

I know they have history, and I know it’s wrong to hope that he leaves her. But I simply cannot help myself. Him and I have 7years of history, they have 4. Maybe they’ve been together and had relationship issues, but him and I have had our friendship on almost every level there is possible, he calls me his soul mate for God’s sake. I refer to him as mine, but if things really continue this way I intend to leave and not look back. It will hurt, sure. But I don’t think it can hurt as much as watching the man you love live their life with another woman in the place you feel you should be standing.

I can live with it for now, but as soon as I have the opportunity, I’ll try my hardest to leave him behind. It’s what I need.