And I told you it would not be fair of me to ask that and that I would not ask it of you. You replied with “us?”.
Without me answering you know this to be true. For 7 years I have loved you and watched you live your life as you are, I have moved on and been with others. We loved but lead our lives apart. We supported each other, we cried, we argued, we were lost and we found each other again. Through all of this I have only once ever told you to get out of my life. A decision I was perfectly willing to go through with. But, when I got in contact with you to obtain some things of mine you had, you hadn’t let go. You acted like the argument had not happened and that you wanted it to be erased from memory.
You say I scare you, you are not alone. Every day I wonder what would happen if we were to finally be together. Would it work, would we be happy, would it lead down that path of marriage and children. Would it live up to everything we have dreamed and thought of? I just hope that if I ever get my chance it will work, I will fall more in love with you than I have ever been. It’s not guaranteed though. We are both aware of each others downfalls and that things may not quite go the way we want it to. So we leave things as they are in the hopes that we can both just go on as we are. Not ever having more of one another than this friendship allows. Only ever stealing those special moments here and there and having to hide to the outside world how we feel and what is really going on.
I can’t tell you how it would be, I cannot promise that I would not want for more, I cannot promise to be everything you have ever dreamed of. I cannot promise that I will give you everything you need. I can do my best and be everything I am, but will that ever be enough for you, after 7 years? You ask why I am still here after everything you have put me, no us, through. I can’t truly answer that, but all that ever comes into my head is that maybe I am waiting my turn. I am living my life but staying in yours so that if there ever are the right circumstances for us to try and be together, after how many other attempts we can at least make the attempt as the people we are today. We have grown, we have changed, yet our love has remained the same. Well, actually, no, our love has grown I feel to the point that it scares us more now than it did when we were fifteen. The way I see it, is if it doesn’t scare you it’s probably not something worth trying for.
You have a path that you are currently on, you are engaged to a woman and having been trying to start a family with her for some time now. Yet you come to me and it’s quite clear you are not sure if this is the path for you anymore. Whether that be for our paths to join or for you to start a journey on your own, who knows. I cannot ask you to walk away from her path, it is not my place. I just want you to be happy and for you to make the decision for yourself. Even if that means that I am left behind again. I only ever want us to walk the same path when the time is right and there are no doubts. But with something so big, will there ever be a point where either of us have no doubts at all? Can we ever truly be 100% sure that nothing will go wrong? No, probably not. But we need to be 100% sure that it’s a chance both of us are willing to take.
It could work perfectly, it could go sour, it could just go to a place where we realise we can be nothing more than friends.
I cannot ask you to change your life for me.
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