I know some people see that as a lot to ask for. But, constantly in my life I have always been put after something. Whether that’s another friend, or a friend whether I am in a friend or girlfriend position. I never feel like I’m factored into a persons decision enough. I will just go along with whatever they want from me and happily be put after something else. Whatever that is, a person, a hobby, a business venture, a job. I mean, I can understand that some things need to be put first, but when you are kind of always considered as a non-priority it starts to get to you.
I have promises made to me, things shared with me, but they always hold something back for fear of how I might act, or put something ahead of me simply because, apparently, I just lie down and take it and don’t stand up for myself enough. I never shout loud enough for my voice to be heard. I just accept that they want it that way and leave it as it is. I need to learn to shout louder to really get what I want from life. The people I want and the things I I want, emotionally or materially. One boyfriend even kept one of his friendships secret from me, he felt that I would react in such a negative way. In the end it wasn’t the friendship that bothered me, it was the secret. Some other guy always took on extra shifts when he knew I was meant to be seeing him. I found out later that was likely him actually seeing another girl. I can also accept that early in a relationship a partner is not going to be a priority, but, when you are told that you never will be a priority and a close friend and a business venture will always be put ahead of you, you lost all hope in that relationship meaning something. Alas, he ended it a few months later saying that he just no longer wanted a girlfriend.
I never feel like I am good enough for someone to be with me. Men just try and get sex out of me. Even the latest ex, but then he goes on and on about it, and I have to remind him that it was his choice to end the relationship and it is now my choice not to continue the sexual side of the relationship. Sure, it was good and I was satisfied, but I went to somewhere that seemed to be more than that at the time that we were together, it may not have been anything more than sexual to him, but sometimes I felt he was falling for me even if he did not want to show it. We seemed to fall into the relationship so easy, we seemed to click so well in many aspects, even if we are two completely different people and have our separate interests. That works for me. We led our different lives, but they never interfered with us as a couple when left alone. We were more than fine. But the way he has acted since just shows me that maybe I was nothing more than sex to him. I admit that I occasionally pick a fight with him to try and get him to admit that I was number one, even if it was just out of the women he admitted liking. Even that seems to take too much effort to actually mean something to me and allow me to feel worth more than I do.
I feel like I really need to fix myself before I pursue anything else with anyone else. I need to value myself and appreciate that I am someone worth spending time with, rearranging things for, or just simply making that time to spend it with me. But I don’t. I let people take me for a ride, or for a mug and just walk all over me. Someone I have known since I was about 2 or 3 is someone I still keep in contact with. I have been trying for almost a year now to meet him with him for a drink, a catch up and he said he would get back to me. But to this day I have still heard nothing from him. Is it so hard for him to reply to me that he is busy, or doesn’t have the time, or even if he is not interested in meeting up for a drink. I’d rather know than stay stuck on this string he seems to have attached to me. He should have absolutely no control over me when it comes to something like that. It should simply come down to the fact that he can’t be bothered so I shouldn’t keep him around. But because I think that maybe he has tried and he just can’t get around to it that I seem to keep him around until he can be bothered to make that time for me. But who says that he ever will make that time for me? He might never do that. He seems to have enough time to work and play about online and see all his other friends, including my ex who is is best friend. One week I ask and he doesn’t make the time for me and the next week he is out with the guy who was my boyfriend at the time. Should that not tell me something? Should I not just let go and tell him I am worth more than his messing around? I did send him a message to say something about sorting it out. But he’s ignored that. String-cutting time?
I’m not even number one to the guy I have been in love with for seven years, not even after the things we have been through am I his number one, nor any closer than I was before recent events. I am still kept at an arms length, he says he’s scared and asks why I am still here after everything that has happened to him, why do I put up with it, and that he can be who he really is when he’s around me, no hiding. Yet he continues his life that is currently full of lies surrounding fidelity and such, and continues to be engaged to a woman I feel I am worth more than. Continues to try for a child with her despite their relationship being on the rocks from his end for some time now. I am better than her, I have been here longer and through more than her, I know him better in some respects, and he tells me more than he feels he can tell her. Yet I lose out. Again. Will I ever be enough for him? No, probably not. I could give everything to him and likely get nothing back from him.
I cannot continue to settle for second best.
Someone will realise that and show me. Eventually.
No comments:
Post a Comment